How Do You Pick Up the Pieces?

I'm glad I didn't try to post on Mother's Day. Between losing our Baby and my own mother's death ten years ago....well, I think it's best that I limited myself to my pregnancy loss discussion board. No one who hasn't experienced this kind of loss would be able to understand the intensity of the pain I was in. It actually left me feeling quite unsettled, to realize such raw pain was inside of me and as much as I fought it, it forced itself out anyway. The day was spent in fits of ugly crying - complete with hyperventilating in front of my in-laws - and by the time night fell I was completely empty and numb. I think that had to happen though - I have felt a lightness ever since that for the past month I didn't think I would ever find again.

I'm still sad. I loved this Baby with everything I had and I will never forget what never came to be. But I do feel I can start to move forward again. I'm just not quite sure how to do that. It's one hell of a learning curve.

I find myself starting to consider what I can do to increase our chances, and battling PCOS is at the top of the list. I found this great article about the relationship between PCOS and diet, and I was stunned to realize that this is precisely what I had been doing in the two months before I got pregnant. Eureka! The "diet" is my Zero Sugar plan for weight loss! How convenient that the same eating plan that enables me to actually lose weight (when nothing else has ever worked!) could very well regulate my cycles and increase my fertility. Imagine that. This is something I have control over. I cannot control my fallopian tubes - I need to leave decreasing my chances of another ectopic in the capable hands of my fertility doctor. But I can get pregnant. I did it already. And I think I have the key to it now.

We're allowed to resume TTC in August, once I have an HSG (Hysterosalpinogram) to check/flush my tubes. So in the meantime? I need to prep my body. Time to resume my Zero Sugar plan and see how much weight I can lose by August! This time I'll be adding supplements that I have been researching as well, but that is another post on it's own. Unfortunately, since losing the Baby I have been drowning my sorrows in ice cream and chocolate so I'm going to need a sugar detox first. Having done this twice already, I can tell you it isn't going to be pleasant. Sadly, sugar is my drug of choice and my withdrawal is on par with what you would expect from an addict desperate for their next fix. But once I survive the first week, it becomes natural and easy. Nothing feels better than nourishing my body with real food.

I've lost 8 lbs in the past three weeks, but it's not the right kind of loss. It's loss that stems from eating nothing until 4 p.m. most days, then surviving on junk until I finally fall asleep at 3 a.m. Headaches, insomnia, breakouts, fatigue, low motivation.....you name it. And it's the sugar. Once it's out of my system, I know my mood will improve and I will find the energy I need to get back to the gym.

So as I have sat and wondered for the past three weeks, "How do I heal? What is the next step?", I seem to have found my answer. I need to start taking care of my body again. Until now I just didn't feel that I deserved it, but after my emotional purge on the weekend I have finally found myself in the right headspace to care about Me again.

This is going to be one hell of a week....but I know it will be worth it.

~Michelle