It's a shift perceptible only to me, but I am most definitely depressed. Which blows. I don't want to be - I tried not to let it happen. But if I could control it then it never ever would have happened to me before. Five times. Maybe more.
I feel like I'm moving through my grief well, and I'm hardly incapacitated....but so very overwhelmed that I'm shutting down. I have a week to pack but keep dragging my heels. I'm "looking" but hardly being proactive about finding a job. I have yet to set foot in the gym. There's a mental/emotional block that I just can't seem to break down.
The thing I hate most is that I know it's there, and I know it's a problem I want to eliminate, yet I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is holding me back? Dealing with so many things at once certainly isn't helping matters but I know it's more than that. Something I need to resolve...but what?
I just know I need to resolve this crap soon. Fact is, we close on our house in a week and our belongings aren't going to teleport over there. And I'm pretty sure I have gained 5 lbs back of the 30 I lost. Not cool. I worked hard for that dammit! But I can remedy that easily enough....I just need to get my ass through the door of the gym. And my motivation is that said ass is noticeably less firm than it was a month ago.
Time for some serious personal reflection I think. I need to uncover exactly what is getting me down and deal with it ASAP before I stumble into a hole I won't be able to get out of. We'll resume TTC in August and depression is the last thing that I will let get in the way of that. So I need to ensure I am as emotionally and physically healthy as possible by August!
~Michelle
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label weight loss. Show all posts
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Weight-Loss Success and Reflections on Infertility
I am officially down 25 lbs! Yay!!!
With the exception of the rare coffee or dinner out I'm "eating clean" about 90% of the time. Plus I'm totally rocking my workouts several times a week now. It's become natural and I am feeling so powerful from it!
Now we're in our second cycle of actively TTC (again) and I'm trying to stay positive. This will happen. And if it doesn't....well, we have a consult with a fertility clinic at the end of the month. So I am hoping very hard that healthy living and positive thinking will do their thing and help us avoid all the grief of poking and prodding and lord-knows-what-else.
I've been thinking a lot lately about infertility and how hidden it is in our society. Why are we ashamed? Why am I ashamed? I feel this constant urge to come clean, and in a way - by writing this post - I am. I still feel it was right to quit my other blog - the bitterness wasn't healthy and no one needed to see that. But the fertility struggle part? I don't see why I should have to hide that. This affects more people than we realize and as long as we continue to avoid talking about it, the stigma will remain.
Bit by bit, I've become fed up with trying to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of giving a non-commital shrug anytime someone asks me when I plan to have a baby, when I really just want to say that we are trying and it hurts to discuss it. And when Pinterest became flooded with Facebook friends, I decided not to remove my "Maybe Baby" board. Yes, it's a little embarrassing for people to see how much I'm wishing for a baby...but that board keeps me feeling hopeful. I need it, so it stays.
Although I'm not planning to change my Facebook status to: "Guess what? I'm infertile!" anytime soon, I'm not going to feel ashamed and will do whatever I need to do to work through my feelings. Keeping it in only causes stress that is surely not going to help our situation any.
~Michelle
With the exception of the rare coffee or dinner out I'm "eating clean" about 90% of the time. Plus I'm totally rocking my workouts several times a week now. It's become natural and I am feeling so powerful from it!
Now we're in our second cycle of actively TTC (again) and I'm trying to stay positive. This will happen. And if it doesn't....well, we have a consult with a fertility clinic at the end of the month. So I am hoping very hard that healthy living and positive thinking will do their thing and help us avoid all the grief of poking and prodding and lord-knows-what-else.
I've been thinking a lot lately about infertility and how hidden it is in our society. Why are we ashamed? Why am I ashamed? I feel this constant urge to come clean, and in a way - by writing this post - I am. I still feel it was right to quit my other blog - the bitterness wasn't healthy and no one needed to see that. But the fertility struggle part? I don't see why I should have to hide that. This affects more people than we realize and as long as we continue to avoid talking about it, the stigma will remain.
Bit by bit, I've become fed up with trying to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of giving a non-commital shrug anytime someone asks me when I plan to have a baby, when I really just want to say that we are trying and it hurts to discuss it. And when Pinterest became flooded with Facebook friends, I decided not to remove my "Maybe Baby" board. Yes, it's a little embarrassing for people to see how much I'm wishing for a baby...but that board keeps me feeling hopeful. I need it, so it stays.
Although I'm not planning to change my Facebook status to: "Guess what? I'm infertile!" anytime soon, I'm not going to feel ashamed and will do whatever I need to do to work through my feelings. Keeping it in only causes stress that is surely not going to help our situation any.
~Michelle
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