I'm Alive! (despite HSG Hell)

Soooo.....haven't posted in 2 months! I blame depression and painting every room in my new house. I expected to post room-by-room before and after photos, but a DIY Queen I am not. I'll work on that. Maybe.

But I did have my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). And I'm sorry to say, but it IS that bad. On my message boards I was assured by many women that it was "just some cramping" and taking Aleve beforehand would help. Well, I don't know if they were just trying to be kind or if they were among the fortunate group that this test isn't agony for, but it hurt like a bitch. I'm not gonnna sugarcoat it.

If you're unfamiliar with the HSG, here is a short informative video for your viewing pleasure:

Feel more educated now? Good. So here's the real deal on a HSG (if you actually know me IRL and don't want to hear about my uterus, just stop reading now):

I got to the hospital and got prettied up in a gown and robe. Not sure why people complain so much about those....damn they were comfy! And the robe avoided the ass-hanging-out situation. Anyway, I walked into the room and was thrilled to see that it was my own fertility doctor doing the test. I love her, and figured I was in good hands. Well, I loved her considerably less 15 minutes later.

I laid on the table, an x-ray machine was positioned above me (as in 5 inches from my belly button), speculum in....no big deal so far right? Then she kept going. I figured my cervix being pried open would be the painful part, but it was still on the side of discomfort rather than pain.

Then I heard a machine turn on - it reminded me of a small air compressor - and the dye-type-stuff was injected through the catheter. I thought is was just supposed to be a little bit that would flow through my parts like a little lazy river. Wrong. How did I think that was all there was to it? No, to get a clear picture they inject as much dye with as much force as possible to balloon the uterus and fallopian tubes. Sudden waves of fiery cramping rolled through my belly. I broke out in a sweat, nearly vomited, and was very close to passing out. It probably lasted 1-2 minutes, but they were some of the longest of my life! These were no period cramps. Hell, this was worse than my ectopic pain!

Then it got even better. She could't get a good picture of my right tube and asked my permission to try one more time on that side. So knowing what I was agreeing to, but too desperate to not have answers, I consented to Round 2. Having the X-ray machine above me made it worse, because if I could have somehow braced myself I think it would have helped. As it was, I was stuck with my hands above my head and totally helpless. That time one of the nurses put on a lead gown and rubbed my shoulders and talked me through it at least, once they saw that I was not one of the women who sail through this procedure.

Words of Advice:

• Take Aleve or ibuprofen first. If you have anything stronger, then take that! I still had some Percocet from my ectopic and if I had only known...
• Don't tense up. I was so unprepared for the pain that I instantly clenched every muscle in my body. That totally made it worse. Make a conscious effort to relax your body.
• Breathe! Again, my instinct was to hold my breath. Not helpful. Take slow, deep breaths to get through the cramps.
• Know that it will be over quickly - the pressure fades in about a minute and all will be well in your world again.
• Wear a pad. Fortunately I did this, but my hospital also provided a washcloth, towel and pad for afterward. I don't know if this is common practice or not. But you will bleed some afterwards so be prepared!

and especially important:

• Don't let this post scare the crap out of you. I am trying to be honest about this test, because it is pretty horrible. But the fact is you will get through it. If you are having an HSG, chances are you are facing a fertility issue. And if you want a baby, you know you will eventually go through labour. And for those of us waiting for our miracle, that is totally worth it. The HSG is intense, but brief. Consider it practice for later. As far as I'm concerned, if you're on the journey of infertility then you have the strength to do this. 

Not my test, but an x-ray image of a full blockage. Mine showed the tiniest trickle of dye from the right tube.

Image via Google Images.

As for me, I have a healthy uterus and my left tube is free and clear. But there is a partial block in my right and despite the force of the test it couldn't be removed. It seems to be random scar tissue of some kind that there is no rational explanation for. In a way, it's worse than a full blockage because my risk of more ectopics is especially high now. Any and all future pregnancies need to be caught right away and monitored intensely until an ectopic is ruled out. And that scares the shit out of me. We've resumed TTC anyway, with my doctor's go-ahead, but I already know that even one more ectopic will have me begging to have my right tube tied. I so hope it doesn't come to that....but who knows what the future has in store? I just know that I can't keep doing this. One loss completely crushed me, and if a second happens....well, I just don't know if I have the strength. Though I didn't expect I would ever make it through one loss intact. Sometimes we surprise ourselves and don't realize what we are capable of until we are faced with the choice between giving up or moving forward.

~Michelle

Weight-Loss Success and Reflections on Infertility

I am officially down 25 lbs! Yay!!!

With the exception of the rare coffee or dinner out I'm "eating clean" about 90% of the time. Plus I'm totally rocking my workouts several times a week now. It's become natural and I am feeling so powerful from it!

Now we're in our second cycle of actively TTC (again) and I'm trying to stay positive. This will happen. And if it doesn't....well, we have a consult with a fertility clinic at the end of the month. So I am hoping very hard that healthy living and positive thinking will do their thing and help us avoid all the grief of poking and prodding and lord-knows-what-else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about infertility and how hidden it is in our society. Why are we ashamed? Why am I ashamed? I feel this constant urge to come clean, and in a way - by writing this post - I am. I still feel it was right to quit my other blog - the bitterness wasn't healthy and no one needed to see that. But the fertility struggle part? I don't see why I should have to hide that. This affects more people than we realize and as long as we continue to avoid talking about it, the stigma will remain.

Bit by bit, I've become fed up with trying to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of giving a non-commital shrug anytime someone asks me when I plan to have a baby, when I really just want to say that we are trying and it hurts to discuss it. And when Pinterest became flooded with Facebook friends, I decided not to remove my "Maybe Baby" board. Yes, it's a little embarrassing for people to see how much I'm wishing for a baby...but that board keeps me feeling hopeful. I need it, so it stays.

Although I'm not planning to change my Facebook status to: "Guess what? I'm infertile!" anytime soon, I'm not going to feel ashamed and will do whatever I need to do to work through my feelings. Keeping it in only causes stress that is surely not going to help our situation any.

~Michelle

Counting Down to Vacation!

The countdown is on! Only a few more sleeps and we will be on our much-delayed honeymoon in Panama. Of course I'd rather be closer to my goal weight before going somewhere tropical....but there's no sense in not living life while waiting. I've been busting my ass this week so that I feel strong and confident - I know I'm working on it, and that's what really matters. I found cute clothes that I feel good in and my mission is to just enjoy it and not fixate on my weight. I mean, look at this place - why on earth should I waste time worrying about how I look when I'll be surrounded by so much beauty?

(image via Google)

So in other news, Project Baby is going wonderfully. Some days I've had difficulty eating enough, but for the most part I'm doing the lean protein/complex carbs/tonnes of fresh produce and zero-sugar thing. My pace on the elliptical is improving and I've set some clear goals to challenge myself. 


Currently, 5 km on the elliptical takes me 60 minutes. I want to get that down to 45 minutes and then I'll add hills. Today I also swam 250 metres in 30 minutes. I want to reach 500 metres and preferably in 45 minutes or less. But so far so good! I'm feeling more in control of my body now and less helpless with the fertility situation. I think these changes are going to help a lot - I need to believe that. 


No doubt there will be some hiccups on my vacation, but that isn't the end of the world. I'll still try to eat lots of fruit, nuts, etc. and will be doing lots of swimming! I should at least break even and not lose too much strength over the week. I'll probably fit in some basic strength moves most days too. It feels too good to be working this hard to take a vacation from it!


~Michelle

Reality Check

So the holiday season has come to an end...*sigh* I always find this time of year extremely depressing, and this year it is compounded by the fact that the end of the festive season also brings an end to my excuse for delaying my job search. I simply don't feel ready to return to the real world yet, but it's time to at least start. January 2nd also brings an end to my justification for eating everything in sight, such as these:

Chocolate Peanut Butter Surprise Cookies -

find the recipe at Big Flavours From a Tiny Kitchen

So tomorrow I will be overhauling my resume while sipping smoothies. I'm going back on my Zero Sugar plan and will be hitting the gym. I'm exhausted already....*yawn*

I already miss my holiday playlist and the warmth and merriment of the holidays....not that my holidays were all that merry anyway. But that's not the point. Now there isn't much to focus on except waiting for summer to return and working on some serious self-improvement projects. I trust this will become fun once I get going, but right now it's a matter of utilizing brute force against myself, which does not equal a good time in my opinion. I'm calling the fitness and nutrition regimen Project Baby - to constantly remind me of why I am doing this and why I never want to slack off or cheat.

In the meantime, I bid adieu to the holiday tunes until next season. I'm hopeful that next year I will have plenty to celebrate!

(Notice that I'm photographing inanimate objects AGAIN? I really need to practice on some human subjects...)

~Michelle