Again. Seriously?

I always took issue with the phrase "a little bit pregnant". I mean honestly....you are or you aren't! Right?

This past cycle, our second since resuming TTC, confused me beyond belief. I didn't have the gut feeling telling me I was pregnant like last time, nor did I feel strongly that this wasn't possibly our time as I did last month. I had some symptoms that clearly went beyond PMS, but were nowhere near as noticeable as my last pregnancy. I couldn't figure it out, but was too terrified to pick up a test.

That's the real bitch about pregnancy loss....you want a baby more than anything, yet pregnancy carries so much fear now you are actually scared to become pregnant all at the same time.

But at one day late, I had a little spotting and sharp twinges on my right (blocked) side. I was terrified, and my brain screamed "ECTOPIC!". Five hours later I took a test. I left it in the bathroom and made Jon go to check it - I was too scared. It was positive. A little light, but clearly positive. No doubt.

Six hours later I woke up to heavy bleeding. A chemical pregnancy. And sadly, I wasn't surprised. The worst part of all this is how I felt when I saw the positive test. Which I can only describe as "meh". I just shrugged it off, figuring all it meant was time to head to my doctor for monitoring. That's it. A positive pregnancy test no longer equals excitement, or means that a baby is coming. I knew better than to get my hopes up, and this new loss only serves to reinforce that for me.

I feel sad and guilty that I felt nothing. But I'm glad I am protecting myself from more heartbreak. I didn't cry over this - I haven't felt the need. All I really feel is anger at what has been taken away from me. I will never jump for joy over a positive test. I'm not sure I will even see a pregnancy as a "baby" until into the second trimester, and even then I will feel fear because I know that late-term losses and stillbirth happen.

I'm afraid I am quickly reaching a point where faith can no longer be found. I'm scared that my problem has changed from getting pregnant, to staying pregnant, and I'm steadily losing hope.

What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

I told a couple close friends about what happened - and all of them had no idea what a chemical pregnancy is.

Basically, it is a very early miscarriage. It usually occurs before most women even know they are pregnant, but among the lucky Infertility Ladies, it is common to find out because we know our bodies so well and test so early. I'd love to avoid this problem by delaying testing, but emotionally that would be hell and with my ectopic history it will always be imperative that I know as soon as possible.

A chemical pregnancy happens before the embryo develops a heartbeat - basically before 6 weeks.

Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. - American Pregnancy Association

via Google.

This test would save women a lot of trouble...

I told a couple friends what happened because they knew I was testing and were naturally asking about the outcome. But other than that, I just don't see the point in saying anything to anyone else. There isn't really anything to tell. All the potential grandparents seemed sad enough last time - I don't think this is knowledge they really need to have weighing on them. 

So that is what became of the baby that would have been due on my birthday. As if something that perfect would have worked out anyway...

~Michelle

How Do You Pick Up the Pieces?

I'm glad I didn't try to post on Mother's Day. Between losing our Baby and my own mother's death ten years ago....well, I think it's best that I limited myself to my pregnancy loss discussion board. No one who hasn't experienced this kind of loss would be able to understand the intensity of the pain I was in. It actually left me feeling quite unsettled, to realize such raw pain was inside of me and as much as I fought it, it forced itself out anyway. The day was spent in fits of ugly crying - complete with hyperventilating in front of my in-laws - and by the time night fell I was completely empty and numb. I think that had to happen though - I have felt a lightness ever since that for the past month I didn't think I would ever find again.

I'm still sad. I loved this Baby with everything I had and I will never forget what never came to be. But I do feel I can start to move forward again. I'm just not quite sure how to do that. It's one hell of a learning curve.

I find myself starting to consider what I can do to increase our chances, and battling PCOS is at the top of the list. I found this great article about the relationship between PCOS and diet, and I was stunned to realize that this is precisely what I had been doing in the two months before I got pregnant. Eureka! The "diet" is my Zero Sugar plan for weight loss! How convenient that the same eating plan that enables me to actually lose weight (when nothing else has ever worked!) could very well regulate my cycles and increase my fertility. Imagine that. This is something I have control over. I cannot control my fallopian tubes - I need to leave decreasing my chances of another ectopic in the capable hands of my fertility doctor. But I can get pregnant. I did it already. And I think I have the key to it now.

We're allowed to resume TTC in August, once I have an HSG (Hysterosalpinogram) to check/flush my tubes. So in the meantime? I need to prep my body. Time to resume my Zero Sugar plan and see how much weight I can lose by August! This time I'll be adding supplements that I have been researching as well, but that is another post on it's own. Unfortunately, since losing the Baby I have been drowning my sorrows in ice cream and chocolate so I'm going to need a sugar detox first. Having done this twice already, I can tell you it isn't going to be pleasant. Sadly, sugar is my drug of choice and my withdrawal is on par with what you would expect from an addict desperate for their next fix. But once I survive the first week, it becomes natural and easy. Nothing feels better than nourishing my body with real food.

I've lost 8 lbs in the past three weeks, but it's not the right kind of loss. It's loss that stems from eating nothing until 4 p.m. most days, then surviving on junk until I finally fall asleep at 3 a.m. Headaches, insomnia, breakouts, fatigue, low motivation.....you name it. And it's the sugar. Once it's out of my system, I know my mood will improve and I will find the energy I need to get back to the gym.

So as I have sat and wondered for the past three weeks, "How do I heal? What is the next step?", I seem to have found my answer. I need to start taking care of my body again. Until now I just didn't feel that I deserved it, but after my emotional purge on the weekend I have finally found myself in the right headspace to care about Me again.

This is going to be one hell of a week....but I know it will be worth it.

~Michelle