How Do You Pick Up the Pieces?

I'm glad I didn't try to post on Mother's Day. Between losing our Baby and my own mother's death ten years ago....well, I think it's best that I limited myself to my pregnancy loss discussion board. No one who hasn't experienced this kind of loss would be able to understand the intensity of the pain I was in. It actually left me feeling quite unsettled, to realize such raw pain was inside of me and as much as I fought it, it forced itself out anyway. The day was spent in fits of ugly crying - complete with hyperventilating in front of my in-laws - and by the time night fell I was completely empty and numb. I think that had to happen though - I have felt a lightness ever since that for the past month I didn't think I would ever find again.

I'm still sad. I loved this Baby with everything I had and I will never forget what never came to be. But I do feel I can start to move forward again. I'm just not quite sure how to do that. It's one hell of a learning curve.

I find myself starting to consider what I can do to increase our chances, and battling PCOS is at the top of the list. I found this great article about the relationship between PCOS and diet, and I was stunned to realize that this is precisely what I had been doing in the two months before I got pregnant. Eureka! The "diet" is my Zero Sugar plan for weight loss! How convenient that the same eating plan that enables me to actually lose weight (when nothing else has ever worked!) could very well regulate my cycles and increase my fertility. Imagine that. This is something I have control over. I cannot control my fallopian tubes - I need to leave decreasing my chances of another ectopic in the capable hands of my fertility doctor. But I can get pregnant. I did it already. And I think I have the key to it now.

We're allowed to resume TTC in August, once I have an HSG (Hysterosalpinogram) to check/flush my tubes. So in the meantime? I need to prep my body. Time to resume my Zero Sugar plan and see how much weight I can lose by August! This time I'll be adding supplements that I have been researching as well, but that is another post on it's own. Unfortunately, since losing the Baby I have been drowning my sorrows in ice cream and chocolate so I'm going to need a sugar detox first. Having done this twice already, I can tell you it isn't going to be pleasant. Sadly, sugar is my drug of choice and my withdrawal is on par with what you would expect from an addict desperate for their next fix. But once I survive the first week, it becomes natural and easy. Nothing feels better than nourishing my body with real food.

I've lost 8 lbs in the past three weeks, but it's not the right kind of loss. It's loss that stems from eating nothing until 4 p.m. most days, then surviving on junk until I finally fall asleep at 3 a.m. Headaches, insomnia, breakouts, fatigue, low motivation.....you name it. And it's the sugar. Once it's out of my system, I know my mood will improve and I will find the energy I need to get back to the gym.

So as I have sat and wondered for the past three weeks, "How do I heal? What is the next step?", I seem to have found my answer. I need to start taking care of my body again. Until now I just didn't feel that I deserved it, but after my emotional purge on the weekend I have finally found myself in the right headspace to care about Me again.

This is going to be one hell of a week....but I know it will be worth it.

~Michelle

Reality Check

So the holiday season has come to an end...*sigh* I always find this time of year extremely depressing, and this year it is compounded by the fact that the end of the festive season also brings an end to my excuse for delaying my job search. I simply don't feel ready to return to the real world yet, but it's time to at least start. January 2nd also brings an end to my justification for eating everything in sight, such as these:

Chocolate Peanut Butter Surprise Cookies -

find the recipe at Big Flavours From a Tiny Kitchen

So tomorrow I will be overhauling my resume while sipping smoothies. I'm going back on my Zero Sugar plan and will be hitting the gym. I'm exhausted already....*yawn*

I already miss my holiday playlist and the warmth and merriment of the holidays....not that my holidays were all that merry anyway. But that's not the point. Now there isn't much to focus on except waiting for summer to return and working on some serious self-improvement projects. I trust this will become fun once I get going, but right now it's a matter of utilizing brute force against myself, which does not equal a good time in my opinion. I'm calling the fitness and nutrition regimen Project Baby - to constantly remind me of why I am doing this and why I never want to slack off or cheat.

In the meantime, I bid adieu to the holiday tunes until next season. I'm hopeful that next year I will have plenty to celebrate!

(Notice that I'm photographing inanimate objects AGAIN? I really need to practice on some human subjects...)

~Michelle