Again. Seriously?

I always took issue with the phrase "a little bit pregnant". I mean honestly....you are or you aren't! Right?

This past cycle, our second since resuming TTC, confused me beyond belief. I didn't have the gut feeling telling me I was pregnant like last time, nor did I feel strongly that this wasn't possibly our time as I did last month. I had some symptoms that clearly went beyond PMS, but were nowhere near as noticeable as my last pregnancy. I couldn't figure it out, but was too terrified to pick up a test.

That's the real bitch about pregnancy loss....you want a baby more than anything, yet pregnancy carries so much fear now you are actually scared to become pregnant all at the same time.

But at one day late, I had a little spotting and sharp twinges on my right (blocked) side. I was terrified, and my brain screamed "ECTOPIC!". Five hours later I took a test. I left it in the bathroom and made Jon go to check it - I was too scared. It was positive. A little light, but clearly positive. No doubt.

Six hours later I woke up to heavy bleeding. A chemical pregnancy. And sadly, I wasn't surprised. The worst part of all this is how I felt when I saw the positive test. Which I can only describe as "meh". I just shrugged it off, figuring all it meant was time to head to my doctor for monitoring. That's it. A positive pregnancy test no longer equals excitement, or means that a baby is coming. I knew better than to get my hopes up, and this new loss only serves to reinforce that for me.

I feel sad and guilty that I felt nothing. But I'm glad I am protecting myself from more heartbreak. I didn't cry over this - I haven't felt the need. All I really feel is anger at what has been taken away from me. I will never jump for joy over a positive test. I'm not sure I will even see a pregnancy as a "baby" until into the second trimester, and even then I will feel fear because I know that late-term losses and stillbirth happen.

I'm afraid I am quickly reaching a point where faith can no longer be found. I'm scared that my problem has changed from getting pregnant, to staying pregnant, and I'm steadily losing hope.

What Is A Chemical Pregnancy?

I told a couple close friends about what happened - and all of them had no idea what a chemical pregnancy is.

Basically, it is a very early miscarriage. It usually occurs before most women even know they are pregnant, but among the lucky Infertility Ladies, it is common to find out because we know our bodies so well and test so early. I'd love to avoid this problem by delaying testing, but emotionally that would be hell and with my ectopic history it will always be imperative that I know as soon as possible.

A chemical pregnancy happens before the embryo develops a heartbeat - basically before 6 weeks.

Chemical pregnancies may account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. This occurs when a pregnancy is lost shortly after implantation, resulting in bleeding that occurs around the time of her expected period. - American Pregnancy Association

via Google.

This test would save women a lot of trouble...

I told a couple friends what happened because they knew I was testing and were naturally asking about the outcome. But other than that, I just don't see the point in saying anything to anyone else. There isn't really anything to tell. All the potential grandparents seemed sad enough last time - I don't think this is knowledge they really need to have weighing on them. 

So that is what became of the baby that would have been due on my birthday. As if something that perfect would have worked out anyway...

~Michelle

Gold for the Bitter Infertile

Holy shit I love Pinterest!

In the hope of making information on Ectopic Pregnancy, Infertility, etc more accessible to women who need it and also striving to lessen the stigma of pregnancy loss a little bit, I created a board dedicated to the topic. You can check it out here! After starting the board I began following any user who repinned from it....and I was glad to see that many women are! Most people on Pinterest are not using anonymous accounts, so this is really inspiring to see. It's not quite as far as being open about their struggle on Facebook, but it's getting close and I couldn't be happier to see that this is a new way for grieving women to connect with each other and share information.

The mix of educational information, snark to make us laugh, and personal posts by other infertility and loss bloggers is a treasure trove of new resources. I am already learning new things and finding new women to be inspired by. Pinterest is a way to expand the infertility blogsphere that I was starting to feel was caving in as so many women graduated from our ranks and have become Mommy Bloggers, shedding their infertile skin and slipping off the radar.

I love finding a new way to connect and Pinterest is where it's at!

Be sure to follow me on Pinterest and check out my Infertility and Pregnancy Loss Awareness board!

I leave you with this hilarious video by some seriously kick-ass chicks. I don't think they even wrote this from an infertility perspective, but it is pure gold as far as infertile snark goes!

Enjoy!

~Michelle

I'm Alive! (despite HSG Hell)

Soooo.....haven't posted in 2 months! I blame depression and painting every room in my new house. I expected to post room-by-room before and after photos, but a DIY Queen I am not. I'll work on that. Maybe.

But I did have my Hysterosalpingogram (HSG). And I'm sorry to say, but it IS that bad. On my message boards I was assured by many women that it was "just some cramping" and taking Aleve beforehand would help. Well, I don't know if they were just trying to be kind or if they were among the fortunate group that this test isn't agony for, but it hurt like a bitch. I'm not gonnna sugarcoat it.

If you're unfamiliar with the HSG, here is a short informative video for your viewing pleasure:

Feel more educated now? Good. So here's the real deal on a HSG (if you actually know me IRL and don't want to hear about my uterus, just stop reading now):

I got to the hospital and got prettied up in a gown and robe. Not sure why people complain so much about those....damn they were comfy! And the robe avoided the ass-hanging-out situation. Anyway, I walked into the room and was thrilled to see that it was my own fertility doctor doing the test. I love her, and figured I was in good hands. Well, I loved her considerably less 15 minutes later.

I laid on the table, an x-ray machine was positioned above me (as in 5 inches from my belly button), speculum in....no big deal so far right? Then she kept going. I figured my cervix being pried open would be the painful part, but it was still on the side of discomfort rather than pain.

Then I heard a machine turn on - it reminded me of a small air compressor - and the dye-type-stuff was injected through the catheter. I thought is was just supposed to be a little bit that would flow through my parts like a little lazy river. Wrong. How did I think that was all there was to it? No, to get a clear picture they inject as much dye with as much force as possible to balloon the uterus and fallopian tubes. Sudden waves of fiery cramping rolled through my belly. I broke out in a sweat, nearly vomited, and was very close to passing out. It probably lasted 1-2 minutes, but they were some of the longest of my life! These were no period cramps. Hell, this was worse than my ectopic pain!

Then it got even better. She could't get a good picture of my right tube and asked my permission to try one more time on that side. So knowing what I was agreeing to, but too desperate to not have answers, I consented to Round 2. Having the X-ray machine above me made it worse, because if I could have somehow braced myself I think it would have helped. As it was, I was stuck with my hands above my head and totally helpless. That time one of the nurses put on a lead gown and rubbed my shoulders and talked me through it at least, once they saw that I was not one of the women who sail through this procedure.

Words of Advice:

• Take Aleve or ibuprofen first. If you have anything stronger, then take that! I still had some Percocet from my ectopic and if I had only known...
• Don't tense up. I was so unprepared for the pain that I instantly clenched every muscle in my body. That totally made it worse. Make a conscious effort to relax your body.
• Breathe! Again, my instinct was to hold my breath. Not helpful. Take slow, deep breaths to get through the cramps.
• Know that it will be over quickly - the pressure fades in about a minute and all will be well in your world again.
• Wear a pad. Fortunately I did this, but my hospital also provided a washcloth, towel and pad for afterward. I don't know if this is common practice or not. But you will bleed some afterwards so be prepared!

and especially important:

• Don't let this post scare the crap out of you. I am trying to be honest about this test, because it is pretty horrible. But the fact is you will get through it. If you are having an HSG, chances are you are facing a fertility issue. And if you want a baby, you know you will eventually go through labour. And for those of us waiting for our miracle, that is totally worth it. The HSG is intense, but brief. Consider it practice for later. As far as I'm concerned, if you're on the journey of infertility then you have the strength to do this. 

Not my test, but an x-ray image of a full blockage. Mine showed the tiniest trickle of dye from the right tube.

Image via Google Images.

As for me, I have a healthy uterus and my left tube is free and clear. But there is a partial block in my right and despite the force of the test it couldn't be removed. It seems to be random scar tissue of some kind that there is no rational explanation for. In a way, it's worse than a full blockage because my risk of more ectopics is especially high now. Any and all future pregnancies need to be caught right away and monitored intensely until an ectopic is ruled out. And that scares the shit out of me. We've resumed TTC anyway, with my doctor's go-ahead, but I already know that even one more ectopic will have me begging to have my right tube tied. I so hope it doesn't come to that....but who knows what the future has in store? I just know that I can't keep doing this. One loss completely crushed me, and if a second happens....well, I just don't know if I have the strength. Though I didn't expect I would ever make it through one loss intact. Sometimes we surprise ourselves and don't realize what we are capable of until we are faced with the choice between giving up or moving forward.

~Michelle

Why Can't I Get My Shit Together?

It's a shift perceptible only to me, but I am most definitely depressed. Which blows. I don't want to be - I tried not to let it happen. But if I could control it then it never ever would have happened to me before. Five times. Maybe more.

I feel like I'm moving through my grief well, and I'm hardly incapacitated....but so very overwhelmed that I'm shutting down. I have a week to pack but keep dragging my heels. I'm "looking" but hardly being proactive about finding a job. I have yet to set foot in the gym. There's a mental/emotional block that I just can't seem to break down.

The thing I hate most is that I know it's there, and I know it's a problem I want to eliminate, yet I can't quite put my finger on what exactly is holding me back? Dealing with so many things at once certainly isn't helping matters but I know it's more than that. Something I need to resolve...but what?

I just know I need to resolve this crap soon. Fact is, we close on our house in a week and our belongings aren't going to teleport over there. And I'm pretty sure I have gained 5 lbs back of the 30 I lost. Not cool. I worked hard for that dammit! But I can remedy that easily enough....I just need to get my ass through the door of the gym. And my motivation is that said ass is noticeably less firm than it was a month ago.

Time for some serious personal reflection I think. I need to uncover exactly what is getting me down and deal with it ASAP before I stumble into a hole I won't be able to get out of. We'll resume TTC in August and depression is the last thing that I will let get in the way of that. So I need to ensure I am as emotionally and physically healthy as possible by August!

~Michelle

Moving Forward (And Into Our New House!)

We close on our first house on June 15th!

I think this will be a huge help to me this summer, since it will distract me from not being allowed to try for a baby again until August and all of the tests I need to undergo in the meantime.

It's going to be a huge challenge and my blog is likely to take a DIY and home reno turn for the next few months. Which is funny, since I've never DIYed anything in my life and neither of us knows squat about home repair. Or gardening...and our new backyard is a freakin' jungle!

I'll be posting about each project as we tackle it and I have no doubt this will be an entertaining adventure to follow!

The countdown is on!!! I'm so excited!

~Michelle

How Do You Pick Up the Pieces?

I'm glad I didn't try to post on Mother's Day. Between losing our Baby and my own mother's death ten years ago....well, I think it's best that I limited myself to my pregnancy loss discussion board. No one who hasn't experienced this kind of loss would be able to understand the intensity of the pain I was in. It actually left me feeling quite unsettled, to realize such raw pain was inside of me and as much as I fought it, it forced itself out anyway. The day was spent in fits of ugly crying - complete with hyperventilating in front of my in-laws - and by the time night fell I was completely empty and numb. I think that had to happen though - I have felt a lightness ever since that for the past month I didn't think I would ever find again.

I'm still sad. I loved this Baby with everything I had and I will never forget what never came to be. But I do feel I can start to move forward again. I'm just not quite sure how to do that. It's one hell of a learning curve.

I find myself starting to consider what I can do to increase our chances, and battling PCOS is at the top of the list. I found this great article about the relationship between PCOS and diet, and I was stunned to realize that this is precisely what I had been doing in the two months before I got pregnant. Eureka! The "diet" is my Zero Sugar plan for weight loss! How convenient that the same eating plan that enables me to actually lose weight (when nothing else has ever worked!) could very well regulate my cycles and increase my fertility. Imagine that. This is something I have control over. I cannot control my fallopian tubes - I need to leave decreasing my chances of another ectopic in the capable hands of my fertility doctor. But I can get pregnant. I did it already. And I think I have the key to it now.

We're allowed to resume TTC in August, once I have an HSG (Hysterosalpinogram) to check/flush my tubes. So in the meantime? I need to prep my body. Time to resume my Zero Sugar plan and see how much weight I can lose by August! This time I'll be adding supplements that I have been researching as well, but that is another post on it's own. Unfortunately, since losing the Baby I have been drowning my sorrows in ice cream and chocolate so I'm going to need a sugar detox first. Having done this twice already, I can tell you it isn't going to be pleasant. Sadly, sugar is my drug of choice and my withdrawal is on par with what you would expect from an addict desperate for their next fix. But once I survive the first week, it becomes natural and easy. Nothing feels better than nourishing my body with real food.

I've lost 8 lbs in the past three weeks, but it's not the right kind of loss. It's loss that stems from eating nothing until 4 p.m. most days, then surviving on junk until I finally fall asleep at 3 a.m. Headaches, insomnia, breakouts, fatigue, low motivation.....you name it. And it's the sugar. Once it's out of my system, I know my mood will improve and I will find the energy I need to get back to the gym.

So as I have sat and wondered for the past three weeks, "How do I heal? What is the next step?", I seem to have found my answer. I need to start taking care of my body again. Until now I just didn't feel that I deserved it, but after my emotional purge on the weekend I have finally found myself in the right headspace to care about Me again.

This is going to be one hell of a week....but I know it will be worth it.

~Michelle

The Aftermath of an Ectopic

So what exactly happens following an ectopic pregnancy?

Well, initially, not much of anything.

I spent the first week in a haze. A great deal of sleeping and crying. I honestly don't remember much. I know anyone I told was as supportive as they could manage to be, given that you can't possibly understand when it isn't you. I know that some people who Jon told seemed to avoid me....I know it wasn't ill-intentioned, but I felt incredibly isolated. Pregnancy loss discussion boards and one Facebook  friend who suspected and reached out to me became my lifeline.

Physically, there was some bleeding but I'd had worse periods before. I wondered, is this it? But that wasn't it.

One week after my shot my pregnancy hormone level was 3300. The shot wasn't working. My doctor asked me to consider a second shot of methotrexate, as not everyone responds to the first one. Fine, just get it done.

The second shot worked. Three days later I was in agony. The methotrexate is so successful in fighting cancer because it attacks "rapidly dividing cells" - what my Baby had now been reduced to. As the drug destroyed my poor little embryo, inflammation ensued. Well guess what? The fallopian tube is not designed to expand. So when it does - it's agony. I felt like a ticking time bomb. Confined to the couch, all I could do was wonder if my tube would burst. How much pain was too much?

But it didn't burst. And Percocet got me through it. I think it numbed some of my sadness and anger too. Allowed me to sleep without nightmares.

A few days after the shot my HCG had fallen from over 3000 to around 400. One week later it was 94. I'm still waiting for zero. Then I can safely resume my "Project Baby" nutrition/workout/supplement regime to try and pass the time while I wait two cycles. Then they test my tubes to assess the damage. And then hopefully we are given the go-ahead to try again. It feels like forever...

But somehow I think I'm handling it okay. I still have waves of bitterness and anger. I still cry at least once a day for the miracle Christmas baby I don't get to have. I'm planning a forget-me-not tattoo in memory of the Little One who I already loved and will never forget. But I also know that sinking into that black pit of depression that I know so well will not bring back my Baby. And it will not help us try for another. So I am trying very, very hard to move forward and try to see the positive. I expect to hit many bumps along the way, but I'm done with the secrecy and I'll reach out and work through things as they come up. Because that black pit isn't going to do me any favours.

~Michelle

Shattered

It looks like I haven't posted in ages, but that's not actually true. I have five new posts - great posts - all saved to draft, just waiting for the perfect time to publish them and share the exciting new turn in my life with the world.

But that won't happen now. I can't publish those posts anymore....though I know I will never be able to delete them either.

I was pregnant. I was one of those women who "just knew" within days. I told Jon that I knew something was different this time, even though a dozen home pregnancy tests argued I was wrong.

We went for our first consultation at the fertility clinic at the end of March and I told the doctor my suspicions. She ordered a blood test and the next day I got the call: Pregnant. Just barely....my levels weren't even high enough for a urine test to work yet.

I was in total shock that we had actually done it on our own. I was scared too. I didn't quite trust that my body could actually do this amazing thing for me, given how unreliable it had been so far. But mainly I was more happy than I can even find words to describe. We were getting everything we had ever wanted and we felt so incredibly grateful and blessed!

But I just couldn't shake a nagging doubt; that things weren't so perfect after all.

At almost seven weeks, I went for an early ultrasound. Our fertility clinic follows patients very closely in early pregnancy. There was no evidence of an embryo in my uterus. That's when time stopped and the tears began to fall. I was right. I had known. Our doctor sent me to the hospital for a hi-res scan, which verified the pregnancy was developing in my right fallopian tube. Ectopic. If our clinic hadn't been following me so closely it could have ruptured. I could have lost my tube. I could have died.

It was found early enough to avoid surgery - the one small consolation. But I had to make the choice to have a shot of methotrexate - chemotherapy - to end my pregnancy. Really, I know it wasn't a choice at all. But on some level it hurts even more that I had to give permission for it to be done.

We had thought everything was finally falling into place. We let ourselves believe that after two years of waiting the universe had decided we had suffered enough. But then I fell into the 1-2% of pregnancies that are ectopic. Even when I don't have a single one of the few known risk factors for it! What are the fucking chances of that???

The whole day at the hospital we felt that fate was mocking us. The woman in the waiting room playing with her happy, healthy baby boy. The smiling woman with the gorgeous baby bump skipping out of her ultrasound. The strong fetal heartbeat I overheard on Doppler from a few rooms down. The happy couple being wheeled from labour and delivery cradling their brand new baby girl, on their way home to begin their lives together. My heart had already been shattered into a million pieces, and then those pieces began to cut my insides completely raw.

It may sound dramatic, but if you haven't lived it then you just can't possibly understand.

I know we'll heal with time, though we will always keep a special place in our hearts for our Baby who already meant the world to us. I was due December 8th...

We aren't allowed to try again for three months and I'm scared for what is to come. My heart can't wait two more years for our next miracle, so we won't be dragging our heels on fertility interventions this time.

I know these things are rarely discussed openly, but we aren't embarrassed or ashamed. No one should be. Trying to heal in isolation is never healthy. For me, grieving means sharing my feelings and in a way, I want people to know how much our Baby mattered to us. It was real to us, and this loss has cut us very deeply. We would have done anything possible to save our Baby, but it was out of our hands. There is no reason to hide that.

~Michelle

Weight-Loss Success and Reflections on Infertility

I am officially down 25 lbs! Yay!!!

With the exception of the rare coffee or dinner out I'm "eating clean" about 90% of the time. Plus I'm totally rocking my workouts several times a week now. It's become natural and I am feeling so powerful from it!

Now we're in our second cycle of actively TTC (again) and I'm trying to stay positive. This will happen. And if it doesn't....well, we have a consult with a fertility clinic at the end of the month. So I am hoping very hard that healthy living and positive thinking will do their thing and help us avoid all the grief of poking and prodding and lord-knows-what-else.

I've been thinking a lot lately about infertility and how hidden it is in our society. Why are we ashamed? Why am I ashamed? I feel this constant urge to come clean, and in a way - by writing this post - I am. I still feel it was right to quit my other blog - the bitterness wasn't healthy and no one needed to see that. But the fertility struggle part? I don't see why I should have to hide that. This affects more people than we realize and as long as we continue to avoid talking about it, the stigma will remain.

Bit by bit, I've become fed up with trying to hide my thoughts and feelings. I'm tired of giving a non-commital shrug anytime someone asks me when I plan to have a baby, when I really just want to say that we are trying and it hurts to discuss it. And when Pinterest became flooded with Facebook friends, I decided not to remove my "Maybe Baby" board. Yes, it's a little embarrassing for people to see how much I'm wishing for a baby...but that board keeps me feeling hopeful. I need it, so it stays.

Although I'm not planning to change my Facebook status to: "Guess what? I'm infertile!" anytime soon, I'm not going to feel ashamed and will do whatever I need to do to work through my feelings. Keeping it in only causes stress that is surely not going to help our situation any.

~Michelle

Blogging Slacker...and some Puppy Pics

Wow! Great way to attract new readers....not blogging. Oops. Hey, I've been busy. After Panama I got a brutal cold upon our return. Then it got a little better, I went to the gym, and the next day I had a brand new cold that was even worse than the first! So I got nowhere with my resume, job hunting, or workouts. But I did lose 8 lbs from it all and so far it has stayed off. I went back to the gym last week and have been trying to gain my stamina back. It's so frustrating how much strength I lost from being sick for so long!

Anyway, a few shots of Chase, Kailey & Willow that I took on one of the only snowy days we've had this winter. This is Canada I live in right??? Oh well, the sooner spring gets here the better. After Panama I think I've developed a new appreciation for summer.